Quantum Relationships

Let's quantum our way out of a conundrum.

John forgets to do the dishes for the millionth time. Susie yells at John for not caring about the house. John yells at Susie for yelling at him.

And now we are off to the races in an endless effort to prove who is right. This is a sad way to spend time in a relationship, especially since the only result of this cycle is more blame. Maybe there’s a quantum leap out of the cycle.

Why does the cycle of blame happen?

Relationships are mirrors of our own souls. Your partner can only reflect what you have to offer. And they can only possess the qualities you are capable of seeing. When your worldview is dualistic or black and white, as it always is when fear is present, admitting you are the one in the wrong feels like a cataclysmic event.

Why do we get sucked in?

We’re living on a planet where those seen as “in the wrong” are often killed by those who think they’re right. This has been part of our way of life since time immemorial. The mere possibility of being seen as wrong often evokes powerful emotions. No one wants to be the one in the wrong. And we’d just as soon eliminate our accusers.

However, if either partner were to take the high road every single time, mutual fighting would become impossible. Yet, for the “high road” to be effective, you actually have to be on it and want to support your partner through their negative feelings toward you. You aren’t afraid of being blamed because you aren’t afraid to acknowledge mistakes. You realize the fear and anger you’re getting from your partner isn’t yours.

As Without, So Within

If you attract stress and anger in your relationship, parts psychology suggests that you have an angry part and a fearful part yourself. These parts have issues to resolve that have nothing to do with your partner. They don’t need others to act in certain ways. They need you, their source of compassion, to turn toward them.

The need for self-compassion is so great that merely acknowledging there are parts of you that need attention can bring a sense of relief. Now you know where to go to solve the problem.

Quantum Right and Wrong

A basic sense of rightness or wrongness - our moral compass - is not the problem between people.

It’s believing that right and wrong are zero-sum, that only one person can be right at a time, leaving the other necessarily wrong. The truth is that you are most likely both right and wrong simultaneously. That is all you need to accept in order to break free of the duality and the need to argue.

Quantum computing offers a powerful metaphor for breaking out of dualistic thinking. In classical computing, a bit is either a 0 or a 1, representing a rigid, either-or perspective. In contrast, a qubit in quantum computing can be both 0 and 1 at the same time. This ability to exist in multiple states allows quantum computers to perform many calculations simultaneously, vastly increasing their speed and efficiency.

Try this exercise:

With your partner or by yourself, list all of the ways each of you may be in the right, followed by a list of the various ways each of you may be in the wrong. Brainstorm the list until you can see at least three ways each of you is right and wrong.

That’s it. This is a safe way to realize that neither of you is perfect nor in danger of hellfire. If you can acknowledge your partner’s right moves and offer mercy for mistakes, even better.